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Evan told me last night that the girl he's been chatting with is now his girlfriend. I'm very happy for him - but wish we could meet! She's in Arkansas, of all places. He showed me her picture - on his phone, gotta love technology - and what a cutie! He said her parents are NOT thrilled. I hope they come to Live & Learn this year so we can meet; I know if they met Evan they'd see he's such a wonderful, amazing boy -- not a threat.
I know I write more about Seth than I do Evan... Seth is younger, he's louder, more 'out there'. And it's almost like I *can't* write about Evan. He's my first, the one that made me a mom, and even now, I'm getting teary thinking about the love I have for him. I can't write about him because it's just so freakin' deep - how can you put it into words? He's quiet and thoughtful, so he's not doing all this funny stuff to blog about. I mean, he's funny, too - but in a quieter way.
He was so shy about telling me. He started to call her, then stopped and said, "Oh, you know _______? The girl I've been talking to? We're... uhh... together." I told him that was really great, and that's when he said her parents were unhappy. (She is younger. He's 15. She's... not.) He said it's weird they met at an unschooling conference, because her parents weren't as trusting as most unschoolers. I told him if I had a younger daughter, I might have more concerns, too - but I wouldn't yell and kvetch, like her parents apparently do.
So, there is this one tiny corner of my brain, that's going "What?! You don't even know what being together means! What are you doing?" But I know the way for him to know what it means, is to be together with someone. We can talk all we want, but until he's in it... he's not gonna know. There's this part of me that wants him to not be this old yet, to not take this step yet - but that's outta my hands. Well - some parents would say it's NOT, that I could be all controlly and ban the phone calls, etc. but, here's the thing... OK, this is gonna be round-about and not seem connected, but it is, so hang in there:
I'm re-reading "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. I love her writing; her first book "Kitchen Table Wisdom" is what pushed me out the door to get attuned in reiki. There is one story, where she shares a dream that she had, where she sees a daffodil bulb, and it's under a rock. The daffodil can't bloom. She has this dream several times, and she can't make sense of it. On a friend's advice, she asks the rock what it has to say. The rock says, "It's dangerous out there! Don't bloom! I'm keeping you safe." She says to herself, "Wow, sounds like my Dad" and lets it go. The image of the dream comes back to her every so often, and she even dreams it again, but it's largely forgotten until she experiences a severe pain that won't go away. She sees an acupuncturist, and as soon as the needle goes in, the image from the dream comes back vibrantly. She understands the rock's point of view - the daffodil is valuable, and the rock doesn't want it to come to harm. But she also sees that if the daffodil doesn't bloom, it will die.
Shortly after the treatment, she leaves her steady, dependable medical practice, to join with others who were also exploring holistic medicine. This was a huge risk for her, but she was following her heart. She found an old Victorian house to rent, and as she was clearing the garden, she found a post with the original name of the house carved in it, LA CASA VERDE.
She says people on the cutting edge of things, people who are making a difference by going against the grain, changing the way things are, need a place of refuge. When you are on the front edge of something, you'll receive a lot of criticism and exposure. By joining with others that shared her vision, she was creating that space for herself - like a greenhouse can nurture and protect a daffodil.
So - I won't be the rock that covers Evan and his new girlfriend - but I will be a greenhouse. A safe space for him to grow, in concentrated nourishment and warmth, until he's ready to go out. My word of the year is clear, and this is one more permutation of that, one I hadn't considered until now. A clear refuge, where the world shines through, and the boys can shine to the world, but they're protected and nourished.
Last night, I had a dream... very tangled and strange, but one part of the dream was that Evan came to me and told me he was moving out. He had gotten a job, and once he had saved up enough money, he put down a deposit on an apartment. Apparently the apartment manager didn't check his age - as long as he had the money! And I was experiencing the same mixed feelings - WHAT? You're too young! You don't know what you're doing! Do you know you need a deposit for electricity, too? So, in my dream, I shared what I knew about moving out (deposits, making sure you have enough saved in case of emergency, etc.), but I let him go - because he wouldn't be going if he wasn't ready.
So, today, I am grateful - oh, so grateful - that it's just a dream. That I have more years with him (God willing) before he moves out. Grateful that I have him, and his brother, and that we discovered unschooling and it has moved into my heart and taken root, and I don't freak out (out loud!) when they say things like "You know ________? We're together now" or when they break some eggs or play video games. I'm grateful for today, for now, 'cause that's all we have for sure.
This post is part of Mama Om's Attitude of Gratitude. Click on the picture above to share your gratitude, too!