I had a dream last night, about Mr. Intensity, the man I lived with for several years when I was in my early 20s. I dreamt we worked for the same company, even though he didn't know I worked there; it was in different departments. *I* knew, though, and I was excited because I was going to see him at the Christmas party. My plan was to surprise him there, and my thoughts were that he'd be OK with seeing me, and we may even get to do some harmless, but intoxicating, flirting. In my dream, though, when he saw me, he almost recoiled. And said something like, "I can't talk to you now!" (In waking life, almost 20 years ago, I did hurt him badly when I broke up with him. I hadn't yet developed any communication skills or ability to articulate my feelings. That means I ended our five-year relationship by basically coming home one day and saying, "I think we should break up", having never brought up anything like that before, and not really listening to anything he had to say about it. My mind was made up. A little cold and selfish, no?) Back to the dream - he did manage to write a note that said all of his energy was wrapped up in his family right now. His youngest son (in my dream, he had 3 or 4 kids) had somehow injured his hand, or had some kind of illness that affected his hand, and he might lose his hand, or not be able to use it for the rest of his life. He couldn't handle seeing me.
There is more to the dream, which I'll skip most of, except for this: he finally ended up being able to talk to me, and later, I offered to help him and his wife. I was trying to be of service to them, that was my attitude in the dream. How can I be of service? Without my grungy little ego needing anything back.
When I woke this morning, still halfway in dream land, it hit me that hearing the song the other day, "I've got two strong arms, let me help", may not have anything to do with someone helping me. It may have to do with the fact that I have two strong arms... well, two arms, anyway, and maybe I can be of help. Perhaps I can be of service.
Here's where it gets tricky. I do have this ability, I noticed when I gave people reiki, I would sometimes know things about them, or see them in certain situations, or I'd say something to them that was exactly the most helpful thing I could say. I call it very strong intuition. A few months ago, I offered the readers of Steve Pavlina's forum free "readings". I didn't know what else to call them. I didn't give reiki, but either over the phone or through e-mail, they told me things that were going on with them, and where they felt a little stuck, and I was able to see things about that, that would help them. It's not being psychic, I'm not predicting the future or anything, it's just... insight. Of the twelve people I gave readings to, I was able to do that for 11 of them. There were a couple that really, really blew me away. One lady in Norway, of all places, said my insights were helpful to her, and when we were done said, "Just for fun, can you tell me anything about my horse?" I got quiet, tried to picture her horse, and said, "I think your horse is fairly old. He is deeply connected to you." I mentally scanned his body, and said, "It feels like there's something wrong with his left hoof." (To be honest, I couldn't remember the word hoof! I kept thinking... paw... that's not right... hand?... no... hoof! I had to ask her if that was the right word! Maybe a result of being in an altered state?) Then, "Wait, it's not really his hoof. It's his left front leg, and there's something... it feels kinda between the leg and the hoof. There's soreness there." She didn't confirm anything I said, and we ended the call. (We used Skype, which I found out about from that forum. You can call anyone over the internet for free! They just need to have a Skype account, too, which is free. So I spoke to her, in Norway, and someone in Canada. It was very cool.) A couple days later, she e-mailed me. She had taken her horse in the day after we spoke for a check-up, and yes, the horse was 22 (!) years old, and he did have an issue, right in the spot I saw, which she hadn't known about. Well, dang. THAT was interesting.
And scary. I had another instance where I was sure what I offered was meaningless, it didn't make any sense to me, I didn't feel deeply connected when I was typing (this one was by e-mail), the images didn't add up. I was sure I dropped the ball. OK, that was it, this one is the one that proves I don't know what I'm doing. Never mind the 9 others that said I was right on, this ONE reading will mean I don't have this ability. I sent the e-mail. And the next day, got a reply from her that everything in my e-mail was spot-on. Everything. And it was meaningful to her, and very helpful. Yikes! After a little (a lot) of rearranging my thoughts to take all this in, I thought - well. I CAN do it. Whattaya know?
After that, I had an ad in the weekly newspaper here to give intuitive readings, but I didn't get any serious calls. And I've kind of dropped it since then. I have many, many fears about it. What if I screw up? What if I can't do it? What if people think I'm really, really weird? What if you don't like me any more?
But... there was that dream last night. Which I know may seem unrelated, but it's very connected to me, very much about dropping my own agenda and being of service. So - what does this mean? I contacted a friend a while ago about setting up a website, where I could offer intuitive readings, as well as have information about the drum circles I lead, and how you could have a drum circle, etc. But I never followed up! It wasn't the right time, I guess. But now, maybe it is. I don't have a site, but I do have this blog.
Do you need an intuitive reading, or distance reiki? Does someone you know? You can e-mail me at the address that's in my profile, and we can set something up. Oh, OK - here's where I have a LOT of resistance. My palms started getting sweaty just thinking about typing: about payment. My heart's kind of constricted, I don't even like to bring it up. Not that I have issues around that. LOL In terms of payment, how 'bout... if you find the reading valuable, you can make a donation. I'll give you my paypal info when we connect. OK, that feels OK to me. phew. Wow, I got through that, did you?
And, of course, now I don't want to publish this. But I will, because this is something I can do, and I can be of service, and I do have two... arms, and a willingness to help.