Day 4

At the prompting of Patti Digh (and life, and timing, and the universe), I'm doing one thing every day for 37 Days, and sharing that journey here. You can read about what I'm doing in this post.

I haven't had a date in 5 years. (And that's had in all senses of the word.)

There are reasons, sure, but, actually it's something I don't think about that often, until I do think about it, then it seems sad and unnecessary. So I just don't think about it that much.

After my husband and I separated, my heart got broken, big time. You'd think an ended marriage would do that, right? Well, this was after the marriage - Though if I'm being honest, emotionally, it started after my husband and I decided to separate, but before we actually did. The relationship was intense and passionate, over the phone and IM, anyway, since it was a long-distance thing. I have never been left feeling the way I felt over this man - I was, literally, curled up on the floor in pain when it ended. It took months - months! - for me to even hear his name without going pale. He didn't treat me so well. I didn't even look at anyone for over a year, because of the pain I'd been in. That had never, ever happened to me before, in the twenty-something years I'd spent dating, I had never, ever been in so much pain because of another person before.

It was a growth experience.

So it took a several years before I even wanted to date anyone. After that... well, I'm just not in circles where I'm gonna be meeting a bunch of people. I would have to put myself out there, and I don't feel comfortable doing that. Maybe it's that I don't want to be vulnerable like that? I'm not sure.

I did get together one afternoon, with a former boss. We stayed in touch after my temp job was over, he was smart, and funny. We e-mailed about little things. One day, he asked me for coffee, just on the spur of the moment. I went - it didn't feel like a date. I was open to dating, but this just felt like... hanging out. We had good conversation, we laughed... and he never, ever e-mailed me again, nor did he answer mine. OK - I saw the Sex & the City episode and read the book - He Just Wasn't That Into Me, I can handle it. But it was weird.

A good friend - very, very dear friend - says it's 'cause I'm SO awesome, he was intimidated by me. Ha. I'll go with that.

Then there was Handsome Married Man. Um, married. And, really, I've gotten to know him better since my infatuation, and I'm very glad we were never together in that way. I've also gotten to know his wife better, which I highly recommend if you're ever interested in a married person - get to know their spouse. Because she's a lovely, brilliant woman and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause her pain. Not to mention, I can easily see she's the glue in their family; she helped make him into the beautiful man he is. I don't need the pressure to be that for someone.

I'm not interested in finding a step-parent for the boys, I think a marriage and separation are a lot to deal with already (I was a single mom when I met my ex-husband; he and I had Seth together). I don't think I want a relationship relationship, just because I can't imagine meeting anyone special enough to introduce to the boys. But a date might be nice. Friends with benefits, maybe?

Except for those dates with John Cusack in my head, or that dalliance with Liv Tyler, I've been alone. I like being alone, there's a lot about it that suits me, but I get lonely sometimes. And I think I have a lot to offer, too, in the way of friendship and support. And - I'd kinda like to get laid. That would be a good thing.

Who knows? I'm open to meeting someone, but not interested in pursuing anything. I'm incredibly picky. I hope if someone is ever interested in me, that they're incredibly picky, too. I'm starting to feel restless on the weekends that the boys are with their Dads, it's starting to get on my nerves to be at home with Food Network or Netflix, me and and the dog and the cats. This could be the year!

Or not.

(No wonder I haven't had a date!)