I wrote this in an e-mail to Christine Kane the other day:
"Recently I decided to stop seeing everything I was doing as wrong or unhealthy - and instead, fully accept myself where I am. Seems obvious now that I'm writing it, but it has made the *biggest* difference!
An example is that lately, I haven't been wanting to connect as much with people. I stopped going to my drumming group (of traditional West African drumming), and I'm just not getting out as much. At first, I was observing that, and thought "Oh, no! I'm isolating! Must force myself to get out!" Then I stopped, and asked, "What if this is OK? What if, this is what my gut is telling me to do, and I can do it, and not think there's something wrong with me?" So I did. And it's been great. I have more energy, I'm doing more creative things. I started a blog (which is still too young to share!). [I've since made the decision to link it to my blogger ID. Yikes!]
I *like* this not thinking there's something wrong with me all the time! It's so funny, too, 'cause I always recommend Cheri Huber's There's Nothing Wrong With You to people. I think I read that, and it *did* bring more self-acceptance, but in my mind, I must have been thinking "There's nothing wrong with you... except all those parts that are sick and damaged. THOSE are wrong." Now, I've decided... there's nothing sick or damaged. It's all just who I am. And if I was meant to be anyone else, I would be."
It has been so freeing to not have to worry about my "wrong" parts. Not that I don't need to live with awareness, and compassion, and knowledge that my actions affect others. But it hasn't been helpful to only accept those parts of me that I didn't think were wrong. "There's nothing wrong with you... except everything that's wrong with you." Nope. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you, either.
Gassho ~
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4 comments:
I have been feeling like staying home more too. I think it has a lot to do with the chill in the air. I like to build a fine in the fireplace and "hunker" down. Spent all of last week home and it was nice.
Pam
Oh what a wonderful post...so true. As someone who fits in the norm just enough to be the Weirdo within it LOL I have to keep close analysis on whether I am responding to ME or what people think I need to do.
Julie
Using My Words
Julie - Oh, no! I think that means I don't fit in the norm at all. LOL I have spent my life wondering and worrying what other people think. I read "Warning" by Jenny Joseph (When I Am an Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple) when I was fairly young - 23, I think. And I remember deciding I wouldn't wait 'til I was an old woman. It's taken some work to get everyone else's voices out of my head! Or at least not act based on them. (either by doing what they want or the exact opposite!)
Pam - And I see on your blog you've been baking and baking... sounds blissful.
This message "resonates" with me. After many years spent "struggling" with my perfectionistic (but not quite good enough) tendencies, I'm choosing to love myself "just as I am" ... warts and all :)
What freedom and joy!
Hugs and blessings,
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