Day 6

At the prompting of Patti Digh (and life, and timing, and the universe), I'm doing one thing every day for 37 Days, and sharing that journey here. You can read about what I'm doing in this post.

I was going to write more on my concert list yesterday, but Evan needed the computer and I had already been on here for EVER (My emphasis, not his - I had worked all day online), so I cut it short. I didn't get to explain that I was posting the list to look for connection, so maybe people who read it who liked the same artists could let me know. I was going to write about the concerts where I felt that heart-level connection that happens at concerts sometimes. It wasn't just going to be a long list, it was going to have context and meaning... But all I wrote was the list, and it was hard to click "publish", because without the context - what would people think? Then I realized the whole exercise of this 37 days is to de-emphasize what others are thinking - I'm me, and I know who I am, so people can think what they want!

So, today, I thought I'd write out some of the brain chatter I've been hearing.

Oh, my God, you are such a loser. Who cares which concerts you've been to? That big list looks like an exercise in egotism, that's what it looks like. What are you - showing off? Not to mention, this whole thing, the whole writing about yourSELF thing... for 37 Days?! Come on. Surely you could think of something different than that! Good grief. Do you really think this is going to change anything? Do you really think anybody cares? Someone called you brave for doing this. Ha! Brave? You know who's brave? Firefighters are brave! People who go into burning buildings to save others are brave, not someone sitting on their ass, typing at a computer.

Isn't that lovely? I hear it, and I breathe, and I say, "OK, brain, you think what you want. I am at peace." And repeat about a hundred times.

Yesterday, I sent Lev Yilmaz a facebook friend request - and he accepted. I've written about him before, here. He had a new video, and I watched it, and uh... googled him... and found his facebook page. (I've got a little crush. He's kind of amazing.) So - when he friended me - I was all: Eek! I need to change my profile information! I need to look really cool! What should I change? What should I put as my favorite books? Should I put up a new profile picture? Oh. my. God. He's going to see the link to my blog, and click over and see that totally egotistical list of concerts! And - there was no context!

I want him to like me.

So, uh, yeah, his facebook page, wherein he has many, many fans, many of whom are women with crushes. And I was worried about what he was going to think. Of me. It's like... a little crazy. Just a little bit nutty.

Again - breathe. "Thank you for those thoughts, crazy Caren. I appreciate those thoughts. I am at peace." I gave myself a good laugh with that one, at least.

Another good laugh - I had a dream last night, where I was working in some kind of restaurant/cafeteria place. Part of the dream was that I was caught stealing food so I was fired. In the dream, I was really, hugely overweight. I woke up feeling awful. In my dream, I was scared and sad - how was I going to pay the rent? What was I going to do? How could I tell the boys? And - I was angry! Even though I was the person stealing food, they didn't really have proof! How could they think it was me?

So when I was thinking about my dream this morning, trying to shake off that panicky, yucky feeling, I saw it clearly: Me, quite largely overweight, going, "How can they know it's me?" Oh, boy, I cracked myself up with that. I'm still chuckling.


Jean said...

I loved your list of concerts - I thought it was another thing to reveal about yourself. It made me remember the concerts I have been to and I looked through your list for some of my faves.

Thank you for sharing some of your brain-chatter, too. It is there, but breathing through it and moving on is so powerful.

Congratulations on your progress!

GreenishLady said...

What I like about you posting this sort of stuff... it makes me go "click,... click... ping..." Are we sisters? Such similar tastes in music (not that I've gotten to see anywhere near all of those artists live), and I could have written parts of the post that went before that too...

It all goes to connection for me, and I really appreciate your open-heartedness in these posts. I can understand the self-doubt, and I am so glad you are talking back to yourself when they come.

cynthia said...

loved your concert list but love this peek into your psyche even more! So funny and you are definitely NOT a loser

piscesgrrl said...

I totally get the self-doubt. I do. That b*tch visits me often as well. I say we double-team her. You hold her, I'll hit her.

Grrl, listen. The reason we come here is to read about YOU. About whatever it is you're thinking or wondering or wanting to share. Seriously. Believe it. Write it on a sticky note and paste it on your bathroom mirror and read it out loud 3 times every time you brush your teeth. Cuz *that's* the reality. I feel for you and your worry and self-doubt - those are sucky feelings. Just picture us standing beside you and, whenever self-doubt comes around, whispering in your ear "ah, screw HER."

And then laugh wildly. It works, I promise!