The boys are SO excited to be going. I'm... I have mixed feelings, I guess. I think I'll be fine once I'm there, and I'm so happy at the prospect of seeing friends I haven't seen in a while. It's the getting out the door that's the problem. I get so overwhelmed with the planning and the packing and the making sure we've got everything we need. I remember when I used to follow the Dead (a little), I got to the point where I'd say - all I need is me, and the ticket to get in. Everything else is extra! And that took some pressure off. Maybe I need to find those same "essentials" in our trips. Each other, we need that! Gas money.
It's so crazy how I get into this perfectionist bullshit, like I have to have, not just everything we need, but it has to be the right *kind* of stuff, too, because I wouldn't want anyone judging me on the brand/type of snack we brought. Yes, my mind goes there. Even though no one else cares. But in my mind, there's a judge, and it all has to be just right. Has that voice always been there, and I'm just now noticing it? Because, it seems more noticeable lately. More on the forefront of my thinking. And I get caught up in that, until I remember: this is my life. I need to do what works for us, and not worry what anyone else is thinking. There's nothing wrong with me. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. Except everything that's wrong with me.
Last year, we went to this same campground, and it's on the sound. I don't know which sound - Albemarle Sound? Close to Morehead City. So we're on the water, even though it's not really a beach. And the boys got in the water, and immediately their feet got cut and scraped from the shells in the water. And I felt like a *total failure* as a mother, because I hadn't brought water shoes for them. A good mother would have been prepared! And I imagined that other folks were judging me, as Seth jumped in the water in his tennis shoes. Now, this is one of the *most* open-minded, live and let live, accepting groups of people on the planet. Not one person there was even noticing the tennis shoes, but they loomed large in my mind. Failure! And, ya know what? Other kids were there without water shoes, jumping in in their shoes, and I didn't see anything wrong with that at all. I have such a double standard. Me: must be perfect, make no mistakes, remember everything all the time, buy the right kind of organic, non-GMO, HFCS-free food to escape self-ridicule. Everyone else: They're all doing OK, even the ones surviving solely on fast food and Froot Loops, they love their kids and are doing great.
When did I start this crazy comparing? Like I asked, has it always been there, affecting what I do, and I'm just now hearing it? Or am I slowly (quickly) losing my mind? When did it become so important what other people think of my choices? I guess time will tell. Until then, I'm going to breathe, and I'm going to get in touch with what WE need and what WE want, and I'm going to make another list, and make sure it's all together.
Then we're going to pack the car, get some sleep, then hit the road to the FLT Gathering, where friends new and old will be waiting, and I'll facilitate a drum circle, and lead a little workshop on The Work, which may bring peace to some folks, and we'll eat and play and bead and talk and BE. Without judgment. Without comparison.
And all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Hm. I thought this was going to be a quick "taking a blog break" post. Who knew?