See? Told Ya

Obama sticker from MoveOn.org, by Shepard Fairey

We found out today that Mr. Obama won in NC - by .4% of the vote. I live in a state that hasn't voted for a Democrat since 1976 - and then, it was for a Southern white man. This is HUGE. We - home to hateful, divisive Jesse Helms, voted in for FIVE Senate terms - voted for Barack Obama.

I have said for years that every vote counts. Even after the 2000 election, I believed if more people had voted, it wouldn't have been as close as it was. WE are the government, and despite the evidence in recent years, I still believed. This election proved that every single vote does, indeed, count. Our 15 electoral votes will go to Obama.

I heard that one reason Obama won in Florida is because campaign volunteers there contacted the 600,000 registered Democrats who didn't vote in 2000 - ostensibly to say, "Guess what? If you had voted, we would never have heard the term hanging chad."

Before the election, I heard more than a few people say, "I'll vote, but it won't matter. My state *always* votes Republican, by a big margin." And now, if I ever hear that again, I'll have a real-life rebuttal. Look what happened! Look what CAN happen!

"...I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other." (from Barack Obama's acceptance speech)

We are the government. We are the change we've been waiting for. Are you ready?

The Fear-Mongers Were Right!

Evan was playing WoW last night as I was watching the election results. At 11, when Jon Stewart announced "President Barack Obama" and I started boo-hooing, Evan walked in and said folks on the game were talking about the win. We cheered and hugged, and he started to walk toward the door. I looked at him like, "Huh?" He said, "Well, Barack won - I need to go aid some terrorists, have a gay marriage and make a girl get an abortion."



Funny guy.

Halleliujah!

Oh, my. I am SO happy with the result of this election - or, as Stephen Colbert termed it, The Final Endgame Alpha Action Go Time Lift-off Decide-icidal Hungry Man's Extreme Raw Ultimate VoteSlam Smackdown '08 No Mercy: Judgement Day '08... '08.

I would have been a nervous wreck yesterday if I had taken the time to get in touch with what I was feeling... so I didn't. After the 2000 election, I don't put much stock in polls... or actual election results. Part of me wanted to just go to bed at 6 and wake up this morning to find out who our next president will be. And part of me wanted to stay glued to CNN listening to every nuance of every exit poll out there. I compromised: I mostly ignored everything 'til Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert came on at 10. I figured, if the news was bad, at least I'd be laughing. The boys and I watched a Samantha Who? episode we'd recorded, then I watched/slept through some program about garbage dumps and recycling. Then - at 10 - I tuned to Comedy Central - and the first result I heard was Jon Stewart saying, "Obviously, it's still very early in the evening, but certainly this night is playing out according to Barack Obama's game plan." WHAT?! Really?!!! So I switched between Comedy Central and CNN the rest of the night, until Barack's speech in Chicago, watching those sweet numbers roll in.

I was expecting his mood to be light, but he came out quite serious. There was hardly a smile during his very moving speech. He looked... presidential.


He looked a little like... a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I Love My Life

I went to vote this morning, rolling out of bed when it was still dark to walk to the elementary school in our neighborhood. As I was standing in line, I was looking at the artwork and kid citations on the walls. Such a different experience my kids have! I was annoyed by only one thing - there was a poster about being creative, like ten tips for creativity or something like that. Among the tips: Finish what you start! and Don't go with your first idea! Think for a while, you'll probably have a better one. Agh. Creative Tips for Those Who Need to Fit In At School, it should have been called. And I think tips for being creative are awesome - if they're actually about accessing the creative part of you. But these? They were like: Rules for Being Creative... which squelches true creativity. Sometimes you want guidelines, sometimes you want to go with your first idea, and not finish what you started 'cause you don't care for it. Bleh. So, so glad to be unschooling.

There was a volunteer there, we used to be in the same babysitting co-op when Evan was small. He was (and probably still is!) a really good Dad, very caring and available. But as I was sitting, waiting in the chairs, I remembered... when I used to go to his house, I felt inferior as a parent. He and his wife were married, stable - I was a single parent. They had a TV, but only very uncomfortable chairs in front of it, so no one would be tempted to sit too long. Evan almost always showed up barefoot - he didn't care for shoes 'til he was older - and that Dad would always ask, "Where are your shoes?" I hadn't yet heard of radical unschooling; in most choices, I was following my heart about what felt right - and around them, I felt like I was coming up short. Seeing him today brought back all those feelings! I hadn't really hung out with them since Evan was really young; a couple times, when Seth was small, we saw them, but we hadn't kept in touch at all. So when I saw him today, I reverted back to feeling inferior - my last way of being around him. THEN I realized what I was feeling, and had to laugh at myself. I hadn't been an inferior parent; I was making different choices! Choices that worked for me and Evan. I didn't have support at the time - and actually, that lack of support meant I had a few years where I wasn't following my heart - but we were doing what was right for us. I was never an inferior parent.

As I was sitting there, waiting to vote for a candidate I DO truly believe in - no lesser of two evils, here! - I was filled up with love for my life. Our lives. Love for myself, too! For hanging in there, despite feeling less-than. I love our unschooling life - lack of creativity rules and all.

Writing this out, I also realized this is the kind of support I want to offer parents. Support for what they're feeling in their heart - not judgment for where they're making different choices than I would. I want to be the voice that says, "Oh, it's fine if he doesn't want to wear shoes!" There's a slight difference - support for what is (or could be) versus pointing out what's NOT - but I can feel the difference.

If I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self: Trust yourself! It's OK if no one else is doing it that way! It's perfect! Hmmmm... I've been reading Holographic Universe - maybe I will go back and tell myself that!

about the picture: I know the ground there doesn't make sense - it just felt right.

Miracle Pencil

Last night, a friend and I went to see Dar Williams. It was a bittersweet (mostly sweet) night - she and I have been friends since our oldest kids were tiny - we met in La Leche League! We have been through a LOT together, not the least of which is her moving toward conventional, rewards and punishment based parenting, and my move to radical unschooling. We are at a place of peace with that for now - I can see she is a loving mom, crazy about her kids - and she can see the same about me. We also discovered Dar at the same time, and her words and music spoke so deeply to both of us. At one moment, I was all teary, as Dar sang The Babysitter's Here, and I was thinking of the years that I've loved her music, and the years that I've loved my friend. I was thinking a lot of how things have changed, how we have changed - how I have changed! - over these 15 + years.

A duo who are calling themselves Boston to Austin opened for Dar -- I love them! I wanted to invite them home with me, and we would hang out, and we could be best friends for ever and ever. Some performers just hit me that way - I think it's the heart connection, as they're performing. They're up there, sharing their hearts, and it connects us. Anyway - they're just so, so good. So funny, and beautiful, and their songs were wonderful. They said they had tour shirts made up when they toured from Boston to Austin, and since they had shirts, they decided to call themselves that for now - but they only had two shirts left! They might change the name once those are gone.

I had an idea of what I wanted to create for art for the day. I knew it would be challenging, but that's OK - I'm trying to give up the idea of perfectionism with this. Just let it be what it is. When I went to draw my idea this morning, I really wanted a pencil. A regular, No. 2 yellow pencil, with an eraser. I wasn't sure if we had one! One thing about no school is there's not much need for number 2 pencils. Seth woke up as I was looking, and as were were cuddling and talking (is there a better way to start the day?), I told him I really wanted to find a pencil with an eraser. He said, "Oh! I got one in my Halloween bag! I hope we can find it - I threw it on the floor when I saw it. Who gives pencils for Halloween?!" I was just struck by how perfect that was - that something was provided, just as we wanted it. It gave me such a strong feeling of being taken care of. Well - when I got up from his bed, what was on the floor right there, but a yellow No. 2 pencil - with an eraser! I couldn't find a sharpener, so I used a knife, and I knew - I can draw my other idea later today, or tomorrow. I need to draw this pencil!

I really like how it came out. This art stuff is kind of addicting. I wrote in comments to Mrs. G, I'm thinking of breaking up with my television. Then when I wrote that out loud, I kind of panicked - but I want to find out what happens on Life on Mars! And Top Chef is about to start! {gasp} So I wrote, at least I want to start seeing other people. I think I'll have to! If I'm going to have room to create AND work AND hang with the boys AND make meals... something will have to go. Right now, I'm grateful we have DVR and I can record the shows I want to see. I'm not ready to let go entirely. I think it might be a codependent relationship, though - I give all of my time, and what do I really get back in return?

I love my yellow pencil.

Seth's Sword was by the Door

I thought, for now, I can do a picture of my day in 2" X 2" - I've done it before, and it seems manageable, not so intimidating. I'm not crazy about how the drawing came out - I kinda, sorta wanted it to be to scale, but then it ended up looking odd... not bad, though, for a non-draw-er! I know at some point this month I'll free up, not need to be so literal, just let go with color and movement... this time, I did something familiar.

And there's a story.

Seth was at a friend's yesterday afternoon. I had the use of John's truck, so Evan and I went out for a bit - the novelty of not walking or riding the bus was cool! I called my friend who was watching Seth, and told her I'd be home in a little while. I offered to pick Seth up on my way home, but I talked to Seth and he wanted to stay and play a while longer. When Evan and I got home, I saw Seth's plastic sword against the door, and the videogame he had taken to his friend's house. I figured they had come home while we were out, saw we weren't here, and he had gone back to their house. They live just a couple blocks down.

I was just getting ready to call her, and heard Seth at the door - he was crying! "Mommy, mommy, mommmmmyyyyy...". I opened the door, and he came in just sobbing! He said his friend had dropped him off, his mom drove away, and no one was home! He didn't know what to do. He said he was SO scared, he went to our next-door neighbor's house and she watched him until we came home. He was crying and crying... and I went numb. I don't know where I went.

I am SO empathetic with the boys, I always see where they're coming from... but last night, I felt annoyed! Here was my son, having gotten a big scare, and I was unable to understand. I just kept thinking - but you could have gone back to your friend's house! They live just down the street! Or gone to another friend's - we've got friends all over the neighborhood. And he apparently forgot my cellphone number. I just went cold inside. I was patting his back, holding him -- but I felt baffled. And I'm ashamed to say, I let him know I was baffled. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why he was so scared; he knows the neighborhood so well, and he knew I was out, and would be home soon - I had just talked to him and told him that!

I wish I had been able to shut up, to just hold him through my confusion, know that for whatever reason, he was scared, and that's what mattered. I wasn't there. Until: he said, "I was so worried that you had been home, and someone had come in and taken you and Evan! I don't know what I would do without you! Who would take care of me? Where would I go-o-o-o-o-o-o?" Setting off a new round of sobbing. THEN I got it. THEN I remembered that he was nine - NINE. He wouldn't react the way *I* would, because he's not me. He's nine.

This was so uncharacteristic of me, of us, of how we are together. Evan kept saying, "He's scared, Mama." But, I couldn't think of a logical reason he'd be scared, and for some reason, I wanted it to make sense to me. Gah. I hate writing this. I was so cold, and not there for him. Well - I was there - I was holding him, letting him know he was OK, and safe. But until it clicked for me - I was bothered.

I wonder if part of it has to do with Seth's size - he may be nine, but he's almost as tall as me. He's BIG. This was the first time he's gotten so upset in a while - maybe because he's so big, part of me thought he should handle it like an adult?

I know, too, I was channeling my mom. We couldn't cry around her, it wasn't allowed. Neither was being too happy. She used to shut down the same way, just turn cold and unavailable. I swear, I think I've gotten OVER stuff, that I've healed, and don't have a need for those old ways of being - and here it was. Where does that come from? Why now? Why did it take so long for me to SEE, really SEE Seth, and his nine-ness last night?

As soon as I saw what was happening, I apologized. We talked about it, a bit. And we talked again this morning, because he had a dream that he was lost, and scared. At least I won't make him feel like it's HIS fault, my confusion. He knows I own it. Opportunity for growth, for all of us.

Interesting timing - my sister just called. She didn't have time to talk right now, but we will later today. Since she had her son (he's 5), we've talked and talked about our childhood, and how we're creating a different relationship with our kids. I'm grateful to have her to talk to.

I Don't Think This is Cheating...

Well - I figured if I was going to be posting art every day, then I'd be posting every day, and that meant I can also take part in NaBloPoMo - one post every day for the month of November. Now I have two incentives to post every day!!

I have, since early on, been a blogging without obligation kinda blogger -- and listen, two different personality tests that I took said I don't much care for obligations! I don't put much stock in those usually - but I thought it was very funny that they both said the same thing, and I took them within days of each other. AND I don't much care for obligations. Hmmm... We'll see where this goes - I can do *anything* for 30 days, right?

I'm posting my art every day the day *after* I make it - so I'll be posting art starting tomorrow! I'm excited.