It's Clear

Because I keep getting tangled in what people might think/what image I'm projecting/what would others say I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear intentions)

Because I haven't been intrinsically motivated to keep my home clean in a while, and as a result have to meet people at the door, panicking that they might see our mayhem, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear the mess)

Because I'm still on autopilot with my money and managing my finances - spending without thinking, making poor choices in regards to priorities - (I BOUNCED a CHECK! last week, I haven't done that in ages; I even knew it was going to bounce & just wanted what I wanted, damn the consequences) I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (a clear budget with clear priorities)

Because after meditating daily for years and experiencing much presence and clarity, I stopped completely, and have lost that easy inner knowing, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear mind)

Because Evan is 15, and I'm not getting that almost-psychic knowledge of what he's feeling and thinking any more, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear communication)

Because I've been putting off moving forward with doing what I'd LOVE to earn money, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear goals)

Because my diet has been completely unmindful, just eating what's here and easy to fix, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear motivation)

Because I keep getting caught up in old ways of coping, (see money and diet. And house.) I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear the past)

Because some of the above are symptoms of just not wanting to grow up, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008. (clear responsibility)

Because when I thought and prayed about my word, I got a clear picture of light shining through all this STUFF that was blocking my heart, clearing a path straight to it, I'm choosing CLEAR as my word for 2008.

I thought CLEAR right away, then tried to argue with myself. (Why do I even do that any more?) "It should be clarity, not clear! Clear doesn't make sense! No, wait - truth! That's what you're seeing! It sounds more noble!"

Even after the arguing - it's clear that it's CLEAR.

Stressed is Desserts Spelled Backwards

I am thoroughly enjoying the butter, flour, sugar magic around here. It started with these muffins, or French Breakfast Puffs, from the Pioneer Woman.

photo by Ree, the Pioneer Woman

The muffins themselves are exquisite - very, very light with a nice nutmeg flavor. But then - you dip them in butter! Not just dip them, but drench them! Then roll them in sugar and cinnamon, making a crunchy, sweet coating. My, my. The boys call them sugar muffins. I suppose, if you had to, you could skip the butter and sugar and cinnamon - but I'd rather not eat for the rest of the day than do that. Not that I actually didn't eat for the rest of the day when I made them, but it's an idea. For some people.

We then went on to Butterscotch Pudding. Oh, boy, was this good. I won't post pictures from my own kitchen. Some of you readers with more tender sensibilities would be put off by the kitties' proximity to the bowl, as well as the dog nose encroaching ever closer, so here's one from the web:

photo from Amazon.com

Ha, ha! No, just kidding! We did it the real way, with oh-my-gosh butter and brown sugar. Is there anything more magic than butter and brown sugar? Melt 'em together, add a teensy bit of milk, and you've got caramel. More milk, some egg yolks and cornstarch, and there's butterscotch pudding. Magic, I tell ya. I got the recipe from allrecipes.com, it's Kelly's Butterscotch Pudding, only I hate to break it to Kelly, but it's MY butterscotch pudding now, because you eat it warm. With a big spoon. Or just by burying your head in the bowl, but I wouldn't do that. Well, maybe if the boys weren't here, and I'd had a bad day. I don't drink - a girl's gotta have options! Here's what it really looked like:

photo from cookiemadness.net, which I will now spend hours on, finding new (or old) ways of blending butter and brown sugar. Thank the Goddess for google images, and the places it can lead

No doubt Kelly's got a place in heaven reserved just for her, as long as she brings a big bowl of this pudding with her. Here's what my kitchen looked like:

photo from southernaccents.com

In my dreams, anyway. OK, actually, my kitchen would be a much more forgiving color than white, but I do like those french doors. There would be a pot filler over the stove, too. Mmmm... pot filler....

I said this started with the puffs, but really it started with my grandmother's Raw Apple Cake. I woke up one morning just craving it, after not having had it since she died over 20 years ago. My mom had gathered some recipes from our old recipe box and printed them out and bound them years ago, and I was SO pleased this recipe was in there. Here's how it was written:

Raw Apple Cake
300 degrees 30 min.


1 cup oil
3 eggs
3 cups plain flour
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon soda
1 cup pecans
3 cups raw apples (thin)
2 teaspoons vanilla

Icing

1 cup light brown sugar
1 stick butter
1/4 cup sweet milk [which is just whole cow's milk]

Cook 4 minutes after it starts to boil. Spoon on cake while hot. (leave cake in pan)

Love those detailed, exact instructions!

For the first part, the cake, mix all the dry ingredients, then stir in the eggs (beaten slightly), oil and vanilla. Once that's mixed up, add the apples and pecans. I left the pecans out since my guys don't care for them, and it came out fine. Pour the batter into a buttered 9 X 13 pan, and bake it at 300 degrees (I couldn't figure out how to make the degree symbol!) for 30 minutes, or until it starts to brown nicely on top.

For the icing, four minutes ended up being WAY too long - the caramel would have burned. A few minutes before the cake is done, cook the butter and brown sugar over medium heat until it starts to boil, and turns a light brown, then add the milk. (Be careful! It will let off a little steam) Remove from the heat right away after that. Then you immediately pour the caramel over the warm cake. Make sure to spread it evenly. What happens is, the caramel will (gulp) get a little crunchy around the edges of the pan, and will soak into the top of the cake a little. Oh, my. My palms are sweaty now.

This cake is great warm, and even better the next day, after it's had time to meld together. It ends up a little like a bread pudding. A bread pudding with crunchy-on-the-edges, creamy caramel, that is. Sorry no pictures, but it disappeared too quickly for me to even think about it. Well, that and the aforementioned cat and dog issues.

OK - well, I've spent enough time on google images for today. I have today off work, but managed to still spend the morning in front of the computer! It was actually much better than curling into a ball and hibernating, like I wanted to do. (Winter depression much? ha!) I was feeling sorry for myself for numerous reasons, and I missed the Festivus Airing of Grievances, but I feel much better now. Blogging recipes as therapy - I like it!

~~I adore brown sugar. I like how it looks and tastes. I love how it packs and how it caramelizes. When I was little I used to eat spoonfuls of it. I appreciate powdered sugar for both its chemical properties in frosting and for how pretty it makes a simple cake look, but brown sugar has far more sex appeal.~~ from NPR food commentator Bonny Wolf

After many, many hours of study...

Seth got a 100!


He joins Fergus on the honor roll.

We're all so proud!

Two Great Birthdays, One December Night

It's my sister's birthday today, and I wanted to create a whole post for and about her. I can't really think or write coherently enough to do that (must remember I can write in advance and schedule the posting!), so right now, I'll just say she has enriched my life more than I can say. I am so grateful to have her for an older sister, and more grateful still that we are able to talk and share in a REAL way. It's been vital to me to have someone who shared the insanities of my childhood with whom I can reflect, remember and heal - AND share our super-cool, but very different, present moments. She is a teacher - a really, really great teacher - and I am a radical unschooler, but we can still communicate deeply and honestly, even about learning. Happy birthday, Cyndi!! I'll be sure to post embarrassing photos from our childhood later.

For now - some Christmas sights and sounds. Cyndi sent me this today:



And this is from my favorite movie, of Christmas time or any time. I watch it every year, cry every year, and see something new every time I watch it. I hope you remember you ARE loved this Christmas season.



Loved so much Mahalia wants to sing to you:



Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, or, in the most politically correct greeting I've heard, I hope you have an enjoyable next few days.

Put a Cork In It! Or, On It....

I'm feeling a *teensy* bit overwhelmed with things still left to do... so I'm surfing the web!

And I found an article that makes self-acceptance one step closer. It's right here.

I liked this quote: "You discover things that, if you had filed things or containerized them or purged them, you never would have seen them again." As opposed to seeing them months after you last saw them, as happens here.

Years ago, I realized filing just doesn't work for me. Not that I had tried it or anything - it was an intuitive guess. :) I wanted to put cork board on one whole wall, and just pin things to it - that way, I'd see them, they wouldn't get lost in a pile, I would know where they were. That's how I remember things, visually - I can "see" where I last saw it. A wall of cork board! Yes! But the ex wouldn't go for it, and I forgot I wanted to do that. If I had pinned that idea on a cork board, I'd've remembered!

Something to think about for the new year, perhaps that will be my winter project.

Something like this:


And I like this one, but I don't drink, and it's been a while since I tended bar:


But I can see that working. It would be a soft spot for the boys to bang into, too! Hmm... a cork room?

Love in Their Hearts and Alberto VO5 in Their Hair

Was awakened with a little worry and stress - it's always assuaged now with the knowledge that everything really is as it's supposed to be, and it really will be (and is) okay, but still, sometimes at 4:30 in the morning, those worrying thoughts seem to drip from the darkness into my brain. I took a deep breath - several deep breaths - and got centered in my body. (Ah! Here I am!) Then I prayed. I started to think realistically about each worry, one by one, to break them down into realistic parts rather than the amorphous black blob they were swirling in, and instead of my head cooperating and doing that, I started hearing this song:



I was SO happy to hear it, it made me laugh out loud. So I got up to find a video. And, can I tell you how pleased I am to have found *this* version? It opens with my first crush, John Denver. I'm always happy to see him. (Hi, John!) Then - the Bee Gees! Donna Summer. Earth, Wind and Fire. And, oh my goodness - look at that hair - Andy Gibb! Just wish the video was longer. I think the only people missing from this junior high flashback are Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett.

And it has singing children, which always makes me happy.

Now the worries have been replaced with love in my heart.

I've been practicing sending love to people when I'm out and about, especially on the bus. Just opening my heart, and really feeling love for each person. Sometimes it's very powerful, and I just get a rush of energy that's like I'm floating on a wave of love and light. Very cool.

So - know that I'm sending love to you, too! And you can put a little love in your heart.

You can (but don't have to) skip the hairspray.

They're Dreaming of a White Christmas

A few weeks ago, I saw an ad for a site called gifts.com. I thought it was a neat idea, to offer ideas for gifts paired with sites where you could buy them. I was thinking they might offer unique ideas, and at least help you get started when you felt a little "stuck" about buying for someone. So, when websurfing a few days later, I went to gifts. com. And noticed something. You can pull up a list of ideas based on different personality types. Most of the women I know are multi-dimensional and would fit into several of their categories, and many have made categories of their own. I wasn't really crazy about their approach, but, I was there, so clicked onward. The Achiever Famous Example: Lynette from Desperate Housewives. The Adventurer, Picabo Street. Country Clubber, Charlotte York from Sex in the City. Trendanista, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Jessica Simpson, and Rachel Bilson. Are you noticing anything?

Natural Woman, Jane Goodall and the founder of the Body Shop. Domestic Diva, Martha Stewart and Debra Barrone. How 'bout now? I mean, besides most of their examples are not real women. Lack of color, maybe? I was stunned when I realized that every single one of their famous examples was white. Urban Sophisticate? White. Thinker? White. Super Mom? White, white, white.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I wrote the customer service department a letter:

I checked out your site after seeing it advertised, and thought it was such a good idea! Now, I'm not so sure. I'm needing to pick out a gift for a coworker, and I noticed that *none* of the women profiled fit who she is. She is African-American, and if you look carefully at the Famous Examples, they are all white. (except for the generic Apprentice Candidates, Jeopardy contestants, and Christiane Amanpour, who is half-Iranian)

Apparently, you do not have people of color in your world. I have plenty in mine, and I'm appalled at the exclusion. Not a single black woman. I mean - not even Oprah! Could you think of *no* African American women who would fit your categories? C'mon, get with it - it's 2007! Black people aren't invisible any more.

I was pleased and surprised to receive a compassionate, helpful response a few days later. I have searched and searched, but I must have deleted it! (I'm feeling very frustrated at myself!) I couldn't believe how much thought went into their response. I was assured they would do everything they could to rectify the situation, now that it had been brought to their attention. And the person writing also let me know the e-mail was forwarded onward and upward through the gifts.com hierarchy, so the top brass could be made aware of the problem. I gave it a few days, and just today went to check the site. Here's what I found:

In their compassion and newly found awareness of women of color, they added... Oprah Winfrey. And - a bonus! - Condoleeza Rice. That's it. Two.

I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or, just feel grateful that those two women were added.